Why confident women are inconvenient?
And why that's a spiritual superpower.
I recently watched an Instagram reel that I have not been able to get out of my head. I keep thinking about it over and over again. This clinical psychologists in the video says, “Have you seen a woman who knows her worth? She is very inconvenient. She has high standards. She doesn’t buy things to fix herself. She won’t let you project your trauma onto her because she doesn’t fear being alone.” I love this. As women, we are societally conditioned to be convenient. I remember at a recent parent-teacher conference, my daughter was described as being very compliant and non-disruptive (this was a supposedly glowing review from her teacher). Yikes.
Now, I’m not advocating for unreasonable demands, selfish unawareness, or classroom chaos, but I am asking us to reimagine what qualities we value in young girls and women in general. But instead of first focusing on the inconvenience piece, which the people pleasers’ among us are probably cringing at (I see you, mom!), let’s focus on the first line. “A woman who knows her worth.”
Where does our worth come from? Self worth is the belief that we are good enough and worthy of love and belonging. And it sounds a lot simpler than it can feel to embrace this worthiness.
I am good enough.
I am good enough. Can you say that aloud right now? I am good enough. No really, say it out loud to yourself: I am good enough. Ugh. I just did, but I didn’t love it.
I recently transitioned out of working so I’m a stay at-home mom and I don’t feel good enough. I loved the working mom juggle, especially the part-time working mom, where I really got the best of both world. Need to out source house cleaning? Great - you are making enough money to pay for it. Need to pick the easy job for the kids’ school? Great - we know you have a lot on your plate. Don’t feel like your kids are getting enough attention? Don’t beat yourself up, you are doing your best. There’s a lot of grace when you have multiple responsibilities.
But with no “paying” job, I feel like I’m supposed to be more involved at the kids school, more intentional with my kids and their needs (I do find this to be the case, but sometimes the expectations of this can feel overwhelming), do all of the house management responsibilities (again, a slight caveat that when my husband is home, he is an equal partner, but I still put a lot of pressure on myself when he’s not home to be very productive on the home front). It has been a rough go.
Throughout this doubt, I also know this to be true: my imperfections, insecurities, and unmet expectations don’t have power over me today and in this moment. I don’t need to do more, be more, or get to I am good enough. I believe this is because we were all created in the image of God and by God. While imperfect, he loves us (and many other people in our lives do too) exactly as I am and you are in this moment.
I belong.
As I entered my thirties, I knew I wanted to figure this out. I had spent most of my twenties trying to navigate and experience the things I felt I “should” be, like, or enjoy. My thirties were for me. I wanted to know myself. This started with therapy and a lot of trial and error. But, it also grew into understanding my creative gifts at work, my favorite parts of motherhood, my strengths in friendship, what fills my cup, etc.
When we integrate who we are with whose we are (God’s), we can stand in this strength and accept our worthiness of love and belonging.
Brenè Brown talks about the difference between fitting in and belonging. She says, “Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” Who am I?
The first part of belonging is to know yourself and then, embrace that person. What are some things you love about yourself? Can you name them? I am a good problem solver, an intentional friend, a intuitive parent, an on-going learner, and a competitive pickleballer. God created you uniquely in his image so there are going to be some pretty amazing things about you.
I don’t fear being alone.
I really actually do fear being alone. I was out by myself the other day. It is a rare occurrence for me these days and I really struggled being alone. I was planning on eating lunch by myself, but I was antsy, anxious, and indecisive. I ended up talking on the phone to my sister, grabbing a smoothie, and heading home with a podcast in the car. I felt like a bit of a failure or flop. I had an opportunity to eat in peace and I choked.
Now, I’m not beating myself up (lots of grace over here!), but as an introvert who does love being alone, I struggle with silence and rest. My overthinking brain can be overwhelming at times (see above) and yet, it’s a reflection of our worthiness that we can be fully comfortable and confident alone and in silence. So I am going to practice this more. For me, this is going to look like meditation, 5 minutes a day. Hold me to it!
I am inconvenient.
You knew we were coming back to this, right? I don’t love that phrase. I don’t like the idea of inconveniencing someone. My therapist recently asked me to change my time to fit her schedule. I said yes without hesitation. In the back of my mind though, I knew it was going to be a sacrifice because it was right during lunch when I would usually connect with my boys prior to their nap. After the first week of the new time, I was nervous to bring it up to her and yet, I knew this wasn’t what I wanted so I asked her if she had another open spot at a different time. Fortunately, she did, but I did not enjoy that conversation. Is this so silly? YES. Do you have a similar story where you said yes to something just to be convenient? Go with the flow?
There’s obviously a range and balance to this. As a follower of Jesus, I want to be loving to others. But when I know my worthiness, it makes it easier for me to discern when to be inconvenient for my own sake and when to embrace convenience for others. For example, I had another appointment and they asked me to move it by an hour so they could go see their daughter’s concert at school. Even though it was slightly inconvenient for me to change it, I was happy to oblige and felt like I was loving them through this.
Why I’m overthinking this?
On the surface, the above interactions could look like people pleasing and potentially, lead to resentment or even a lack of value (someone else’s schedule is more important than mine). It’s only through a deep understanding of ourselves and our motivations that we can see if this is a loving action through accepted worthiness of ourselves and the other person, or a result of fear. Fear of people not liking us if we don’t stand up for ourselves and fear of people not valuing us so we don’t offer compromise.
I don’t think any of us want to live in fear so let’s dare to be inconvenient. By embracing our super power of being worthy.
I am good enough.
I love who I am.
I belong.
I don’t fear being alone.
I am worthy of inconvenience.
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